i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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