Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
