Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
