Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
