why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
