I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
