Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
