If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
