all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
