soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think people are normalizing furries
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
