I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
