We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
