So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
