Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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