i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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