I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
