Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
