she woke up with a sticky ear
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
