Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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