what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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