He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
