I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Your penis caused this!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
