my mouth tastes like poor choices
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
