Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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