I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
