There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
