you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
