My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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