Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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