I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
