On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
