I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
