I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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