Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think your dad took our porno
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize