then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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