I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
