the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
