just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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