Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
