Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
