Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
