More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
