Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
