I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
