Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
