I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
im six kinds of drunk right now
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
