I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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