My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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