the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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