I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
