I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
mondays should just be called national damage control day
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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