Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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