I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
