My sheets look like a crime scene.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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