I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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