Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
