i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
