She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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