don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
